Baliw! Tanga!

isang mainit na haplos ang bumungad sa iyo. nagising ka at nasilaw. umaga na pala. nakamulat lamang ang iyong mumunting mga mata at hindi maiwasang mapatitig sa kisameng tila nalipasan na ng panahon. para bang mga ala-alang pilit mong binabalikbalikan. hindi mo maabot, at kailanma’y hindi na mababalikan.

tumayo ka at sinimulan ng linisin ang iyong hinigaan. sa palagay ko ay nasa wisyo ka na nga. lumabas ka ng kwarto at dahan-dahang bumaba sa kanilang hagdanan. kumakanta, humuhuni, at sumisipol na para bang kay saya.

sinimulan mo ang iyong araw na kay saya. walang pag-iimbot na ngumingiti sa hangin. tila isang baliw na di mawari kung bakit nakangisi.

halos lahat ng taong iyong makasalubong ay iyong binabati. mapakaibigan, kamag-anak, o estranghero. palakaibigan ka pala.

pumasok ka sa iyong klase. tahimik at masalimuot ang iyong dinatnan. tila ba nasakluban ng langit at lupa ang mga mukha ng iyong mga kaeskwela. masamang balita. isang surpresang trahedyang maituturing ang paparating. isang pagsusulit. nagsimulang nagdilim ang kapaligiran. kasama sa pagdilim, ay ang pagbagsak ng iyong mga mata. isang malungkot na pangyayari. kung inukol mo lang sana ang mga panahong pangiti-ngiti ka sa hangin sa pag-aaral. disin sana’y nakapasa ka sa iyong surpresang eksamin. tanga!

Busier Than Ever

Been busy these past few days. And will be busier these following days. But will update you from time to time about my, err, life.

Things to accomplish:

• Second Scientific Paper for my Biology 1 class (Tuesday)
• Library Research Paper and Presentation for my English 2 class (Wednesday)
• My entry for the Humanities 2 (Arts) Exhibit this week (Wednesday)
• Practice for my PE 2 (Ballroom Dancing) (Monday)
• Reflection Paper on my Corregidor Trip for my Kasaysayan 1 class (March 3)
• Take Home Exam for my Mathematics 11 class (Tuesday)
• Plus more paperworks…

College Life’s getting into me. The thought of College Life is finally sinking in my system. I’m drowning with things to do. Somebody save me!

Must focus. Must focus! I have to finish all of these today. So I won’t have any problems tomorrow. Oh God! Help me accomplish all of these in a breeze.

Day 3

I woke up thinking of him. Just can’t get enough of him. I just want to see him that morning.  When I finally realized that it’s just Wednesday, I did my daily routine. I took a shower, then went to class. The day was nothing bur ordinary, until he texted. He needs company. So I immediately ran home and freshened-up. Texted him na papunta na ako. Went to Crossing, then rode a van going to Alabang. He saw me first. Then maraming nangyari after noon, nakakabadtrip lang ikwento. Para iwasan iyong topic, we watched a movie na lang which is The Eye. Ayos naman, sinabi ko na iyong nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Kaso he’s so ignorant talaga. Nakaconcentrate siya sa movie. Paano naman ako? Ako itong nagpuntapunta dito para lang samahan ka, tapos iyon lang pala ang habol mo sa akin. Panakip-butas?! Then came 3:00pm, got to be ready for my 4:00pm class. Guess what, di man lang niya ako hinatid sa labas. I was just so pissed off that day na hindi ko na alam gagawin ko. Should I cry ba or what. But I chose to go on with my life na lang. Live it as normal as I can. Sabi nga ni Jack, “I wish I knew how to quit you”. Sige, sige, he’s still in my mind. I can’t do anything about it. Siya eh, siya iyong una. Mahirap limutin. Lintsak na pag-ibig!

Anyway, noong nasa campus na ako. Umattend pa ako ng Eng2 class ko even if I’m 1hour late. Good thing, my instructor was in a good mood. Yay! After class I told Marian and Alnee about, you know, my coming out. Then went to YoJam, there was Lyka along with Anton and Demis.  I gave Anton the letter to give him an update kung ano na ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. They confronted me after sa rooftop. I was on the hot seat. They asked me questions which made me more confused about my sexuality. Oh God, I wish I knew kung sino talaga ako.

Funny thing is, ‘di ko na pinabasa kay Demis iyong letter. Diretso ko ng sinabi na I’m gay.

Day 3: Marian, Alnee, Anton, and Demis

Day 2

Day 1: Bec, Mei, Sam, Zeynna, Jhed, Karla,

Day 2: Vicky, Lyka, Jam, Pau, Lian, Gela, Chabs, LA, Vinch

It’s my second day, and yeah, every passing day just keeps getting better and better. I feel lighter, free, and gay. Though I receive reactions from my friends that’s really… masakit, you know, it’s okay. It’s not there fault naman na biglain ko sila na, “Hey! I’m gay!”.

All is well that ends well. I just hope na habang tumatagal, mas magiging matatag pa ako. And na hindi ako matakot na iface iyong mga challenges and the consequences of being a gay guy.

Anyway, I just read his latest blog entry. And man, define masakit talaga. If ever man magkaroon ng “US”, wala rin, he still loves his ex-man. And will always will daw. Can’t help but cry. Pero ayon, I want him. I really want him.

The moment I wake up, siya na iniisip ko. Before I sleep, siya pa rin. And in my dreams, wah, walang patawad. Like, I text him from time to time to check him up. If how he’s taking the situation. Love na ba ‘to? I dunno. I miss him. I miss him. I want to see him na ulit. (

update: Noong gabi, nalaman na niya. Gawa noong status message na nilagay ko sa YM. I thought invisible ako sa kanya. Di pala. So ayon.

Day 1: My Coming Out

4:30am, haven’t got enough sleep. i dunno, for the past few days i’ve been having troubles in sleeping. but last night’s the worst. good thing he texted me. though he’s a little horny that time, i managed to control myself. today’s going to be the first day of my coming out as a gay guy. okay. yeah. i’m gay. i just realized it when i met him. i mean, when he admitted that he is gay too. he made me realize that there is nothing wrong with being gay. and we should be proud to be one (well, at least for us.).

for the last 17 years of my life. i’ve been trying to live a life of lie. trying to be straight(-acting) even if i’m not. trying to do straight stuff even if i vomit it. you know, for the past few years i’ve been rejecting my true self.

it’s really been a tough life. for all these years, i’ve been lying to myself. i’ve never enjoyed my life. i hope on my coming out, i would be happy. i would be free. i would find the true definition of love. well, aside from God. and i think i’m getting to it. i’m finally getting to its true definition. and i think it’s him. he who should not be named.

gonna update you from time to time…

update: it’s 10:57am, and there’s still no progress. i wish this is easy. i wish. Lord, give me strength. please. i need it.

8:15pm: just woke up from a power nap. guess what? i already told some of my friends ’bout my sexuality. they, luckily, accepted me for (well) who i truly am. how did they reacted? at first they were shocked. i can’t believe they didn’t sense that i am gay way back in highschool. oh well, i guess i’m a good actor. then when they finally realized that they’re still awake (and not dreaming) they smiled. chuckled, then laughed.  after the revelations and all, i realized that it was a good experience, actually. and it was really such a relief.