It’s Complicated ™

“hindi ko na kailangang magpatumpik-tumpik pa. mahal kita. mahal mo ako. so, tayo na?”

sana nga ay ganyan lamang kadali ang makahanap ng taong magmamahal sa’yo habambuhay. kung hindi man habambuhay, kahit panandalian lamang. mapawi lang ang kalungkutan na iyong nararamdaman dahil sa pagkasawi mo sa pag-ibig. mahirap makahanap ng taong tunay na magmamahal sa iyo. lalo na kung ikaw ay nasa kalagayan ko. isa akong lalake na may puso na halong lalake’t babae. madalas ang itawag sa amin at bading, bakla, at binabae. pero lubos kong inilalayo ang sarili ko sa mga ito. dahil hindi naman ako halatang bakla. isa akong baklang astang lalake. sa ibang lenggwahe, discreet ang tawag sa amin, straight-acting kung baga. masaya naman ako sa buhay ko. mas maluwag, at mas nakakahinga na ako ngayon. hindi tulad noong itinatago ko pa ang aking tunay na kasarian sa nakararami. noong pebrero 11 lang ako nagtapat sa aking mga kaibigan. mahirap ito para sa kanila. pero di naglaon, naintindihan din nila ako. bilib ako sa sarili ko. nagawa ko kasing matanggap ang aking sarili bilang isang taong kabilang sa ikatlong kasarian.

marami rin ang bumabatikos sa akin. kung bading nga daw ba ako o hindi. hindi naman kasi halata. kumbaga parang isang maton na ‘pag hinalungkat mo ang katauhan, may bahid din pala.

ilang taon ko ng tinatanong ang ating Panginoon. bakit niya ako ginawang ganito. ilang taon ko rin pinilit ang sarili kong magkagusto sa babae. pero hindi ko talaga kaya. marahil ganito na nga talaga ako. pero ang ikinagugulo ng isip ko, ang pagiging bading daw ay ipinagbabawal ayon sa Bibliya. ngunit hindi ko naman ginusto ito. sa katunayan nga niyan, gusto ko talaga maging lalake. isang makisig at kinakikiligan ng mga babae.

marahil oras na rin ang makapagsasabi. oras na rin siguro ang sasagot sa aking mga katanungan. kailangan ko na lang siguro ang maghintay. maghintay sa mga sagot na tila walang makakaintindi.

Just Like Heaven Hell

it’s inevitable. i know, i know. in every semester, there’s always this week where requirements, exams, and papers just bulk-up. what is it called? it is called THE HELLWEEK! and you just can’t ignore it. it’s like an itch, the more you scratch it. the bigger the itch gets. diba, i am right. you think the “thing” you’re reading is so easy. but when you dig into it, you’ll realize that just understanding it is not enough. you have to master it. that’s the situation i am in. i thought biology was as simple as differentiating liquid from solid. but what the heck is Kreb’s Cycle?

I have 2 major exams, and 1 minor exam this week. add to that that freakin’ salansanan that is due this wednesday. which to my knowledege, should be a class work and not an individual work.

i don’t know if i can still survive until the end of this semester. but, aja! i can do this. well, i hope…

Aléatoire

so, yeah. i am pretty much bored right now. like, define major boredom. i have nothing to do. well, okay, i’m too lazy to do something productive. but hey, it’s just saturday. it’s not like there’s no sunday to finish things. oh god! now i am sounding like a major procrastinator. am i not? haha. anyways, i don’t know how to compose this blog decently. so bear with me. this is the only way i could think of to escape from extreme boredom. oh yeah!

for the past couple of days i’ve been engaging myself into some business. well, sort of. it’s my dream. and i think it’s finally coming true. though, i have no capital to start my business. but what the heck, i already started it with nothing in hand. i’ll just think about these dilemmas when my clients start to rage for their orders. oh god! where will i get money to get my business started? i already collected orders. oh man, i’m such in a big trouble. but i know, i can surpass this obstacle. now i sound like an MMK letter sender. okay, enough!

what else? hmm, i could not think of any good stories to tell aside from my so-called business. oh yes, i am having a KYLE XY marathon right now. but i figured out that i could just buy a pirated dvd from the muslim stands and just, you know, stop watching right now. ‘coz it’s kind of hard to blog while watching KYLE XY. like, i only have a pair of eyes. and i just can’t make my left eye focus on KYLE, while my right eye’s steady on the computer desktop. i wish i could. no wait, i’m just joking. i don’t want to look like banlag (it’s a disability in the eye where the black/green/blue/hazel on your eye ball doesn’t look like on its right position).

okay. i think, that’s it for now. i don’t want to make this entry long and sound gibberish. ’til then. cheerio.

My Best Bud!

so, yeah. i already told my best “highschool” bud about my true sexuality. hey, i’m still confused back in my highschool days. don’t blame me. so, moving on. last night, i felt that it was the right time. i need not to wait for him to go back to LB. i’ll tell it to him right then and there. i texted him, but he was busy. i went home and opened my YM. good thing, he was online. he buzzed me. “so what’s the fuzz all about?”, he said. i told him. i even joked him na i’ll be a dad in a few months. haha. our conversation ended up with an unanswered question. “is he really gay?”. so i texted him with some oh-so-emo text. he believed me. these are his text messages:

mig: ” dude, sorry! i’m can be your good friend! pero accepted ka na!”
me: “i’m can? lol. pero what you did kanina was so…, really.”
mig: “hahaha. oo nga, i’m can. sorry! you’re still kim! kimberlie na nga lang. hahaha. asang bading ka!”
me: “…thanks bro, you’re the bestest bud.”
mig: “mali! most bestest! haha, kahit ano ka pa, tanggap kita dude! basta…! haha.”
me: “…you’re the best, bro!”
mig: “anytime dude, kung may problema ka. pm mo lang ako.”
me: “thanks bro. no doubt, you’re the most bestest bestfriend i ever had.”
mig: “muah! hahaha. okay, enough! haha.”

                     

lol. this post is like a tribute to him. haha. parang mamamatay na. thanks best bro!

What Have Been Keeping Me Busy?

what have been keeping me busy nga ba?
stalking?
sort of.
then, who’s the stalkee?
it’s him! oscar bartolome (batch ‘07, comarts-uplb)
i so, so like him.
but bad news (at least for me), he’s commited to someone.
he has a boyfriend.
*sobs*

gah, i’m so in love with him.
*blushes*
will you please be mine?
lol